Reflecting on Passing Gas...nope, not kidding!

Yes, I'm going to discuss a body function. I'm just weird that way. So, fair warning and here I go.

During my hospital stay, I frequently had nurses come and ask me questions. "How are you feeling?" "Is there anything I can do for you?" But the most frequent question was, "Have you passed gas?" Usually, when I am asked this kind of question, I feel just a little offended, and I'm embarrassed if my answer is yes.

The nurses had to ask this to find out if my intestines were functioning properly yet. At first, I answered, "No, not yet." without any emotion one way or another about it. After a while, with repeated questions yielding the same answer, I began to feel a little apologetic and like I was a disappointment to my nurses. My answer changed to, "No, I'm sorry, I haven't." Then I began to feel really inadequate. Why couldn't I pass gas for these nice ladies? I felt I needed to be more encouraging in my answers to let them know I was doing all I could. "No, I'm sorry, I haven't. But I'm sure I will soon, I can feel bubbles moving around in me." Then I began to fudge a little, " I think I may have passed a little, but I can't be sure, the morphine has me kind of groggy."

By Monday morning, I was a little desperate. If I didn't "toot" they might not let me go home. I paced the floor, rubbed my tummy, sat on the toilet, gave little pushes...no gas. I was never so ashamed to not be able to answer the question in the positive. Finally, I felt some pressure "down there." I shifted around, gave a little wiggle and ... out popped a little bubble. I could now proudly tell the nurse, "Yes! I passed gas." She made the appropriate note on my chart and I was released to go home.

Later that night, while relaxing at home on the couch. The portals opened and the gas giant erupted. I let out the biggest gas cloud of my life... my nurses would have been so proud.

God is so way beyond good!

In my last entry, I was preparing for surgery and a possible eight day stay in the hospital. I got a wall charger for my MP3 player and made sure all my songs were loaded. Then I wound up getting a new laptop and got it all loaded and ready to use when I felt up to it. I thought I might use it to watch movies while lying in my hospital bed. Charged the cell phone and MP3 player the night before. Made sure Steve had all the contact numbers he needed. I showed Steve how to pay bills online. My parents were planning on driving out on Tuesday and visiting with other relatives until I was ready to come home. My husband planned odd jobs he would do around the house while I was gone. We were all ready for the long haul. I was following my dad's advice to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. After all, my doctors had pretty much told me to expect less than the best.

All our planning turned out to be wasted. God answered every prayer on my behalf in the best possible way. I don't know why we are constantly surprised when we ask God for something and He says, "Yes." Here is a bit of a rundown of how things turned out.

• My surgery only lasted three hours instead of four
• They were able to do laparoscopically assisted surgery instead of a foot long incision
• The mass was attached to several organs, the ob-gyn surgeon was grateful to have the general surgeon on hand to help with that complication
• I awoke from anesthesia with no nausea, feeling great
• They took out less than a foot of my large intestine
• I didn't need a colostomy bag
• I wound up with a private room after the first few hours
• I was released three days (Monday) after surgery instead of eight, I even felt good enough Monday night to cook dinner
• I was only on a clear liquid diet through Saturday, a full liquid diet (thicker stuff) Sunday, and regular food on Monday
• The hospital had gluten free toast on my breakfast plate Monday morning, what a surprise!
• I lost five pounds in the hospital ☺
• I am feeling really good - almost too good, pray I don't overdo things
• The pathology report came back clean, no cancer
• I haven't needed pain medication since they took me off the IV Sunday morning, though I am taking a little during the day because my doctor told me to
• I have had no fibromyalgia symptoms for the past two weeks
• I have had no hot flashes or surgical menopause symptoms
• My recovery will be four to six weeks, not six to eight (got to admit, I was kind of looking forward to not going back to work until after the holidays 

It felt so good to sleep in my own bed on Monday. I had to wait two hours for Steve to pick me up because he had arranged to have the carpets cleaned that morning. But it was worth the wait. Maybe I would have gotten more flowers if I had stayed in the hospital longer (why don't people send you flowers at home while you are recovering?) but that tradeoff is OK too. My parents are here, originally to take care of me while Steve worked, mostly to keep me from doing too much and hurting myself. The surgeon who called to give me the pathology report asked how I was doing. When I told him how great I felt, he laughed and said, "You're tough. You'll be fine."

The Night Before the Morning Of...

Tomorrow at 7:30am I'll be going into surgery. For the last few days, I have been exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

It started Monday, which was a bit depressing. My pre-surgical consult with surgeon #2 consisted of all the concerns he had about complications. We also decided to go ahead and remove both ovaries, since one had the mass and the other had a history of cysts. I'm hoping I already went through a symptom free menopause. Not really keen about the idea of hot flashes while trying to recover. I also found out laparoscopic surgery was not an option, due to the size of the mass. Not really a surprise, but I had hoped to avoid being split open. So now my recovery time is estimated to be six to eight weeks instead of four to six. And, I may have to stay in the hospital as long as eight days. Can we all say BORING?! I'm not a daytime TV fan and I'm not good at doing nothing.

Today I felt pretty good. Not really tired and less nervous about tomorrow than earlier in the week. I think the fact that I went to the Chiropractor Tuesday and had a one-hour full body massage today followed by a long hot shower may have something to do with it. I figured, if I was going to be laid up for a while, I might as well get feeling as loose and relaxed as possible beforehand. So I am all popped, rubbed, and scrubbed; ready for a good night's sleep so I can wake up early so someone else can put me back to sleep.

Of course, I am not looking forward to surgery, who would? I am not looking forward to the pain of recovery, of course not. I don't want surgical complications or a lab report telling me the mass is cancerous. I am fully aware of the seriousness of what I am about to go through and the possible negative outcomes. I choose to hope and pray everything will turn out fine. But I truly believe I am ready to accept a less than perfect outcome. I trust God will take care of me, whatever way He chooses to do so. Because God is in control, I don't have anything to worry about. I am in His hands, and that is a very good place to be.

Blouses and Pizza and Blood..Oh My!

It took until about ten days prior to surgery for my brain to kick out on me. Last week I sort of lost my focus. I wasn't outwardly stressed and I didn't think I was inwardly stressed, but the evidence speaks for itself.

On Wednesday, about a third of the way through the day, I felt something weird at my side. Upon closer inspection I realized I was wearing my top inside out. Luckily I had a sweater on over it and the part that showed was not obviously backwards. I figured, why bother this late in the day and left it inside out.

Thursday at noon, my boss came to my desk and asked if lunch was on its way. I froze like a deer in headlights. I had known for several days that I had to order lunch for all the directors, I had planned it all out. But, I had gotten so focused on training Tammy to cover for me that I completely lost track of the time. My stomach was in my feet, my heart was in my mouth, all the air left the room. I had not even placed the order. I stammered an apology and asked him to stall while I took care of it.

I looked up the pizza place online and called. Half-way through ordering I was told I was ordering from the wrong menu and had called the wrong number. How could I have the wrong menu or number if I am looking at it on my computer?!?!? I confirmed their address and somehow completed the order. They said it would be ready in 12 minutes and I rushed over there in 10. As I got to the corner, it was one of those "you can't get there from here" situations. So I circled the block and negotiated a U-turn to get to the restaurant. There was a line out the door...I wove my way through to the pick-up counter and was told there was no order under my name in the computer. "There has to be, please check the phone number." She finds it with someone else's name. I didn't care what name they called me, as long as I got my order. Then she hands me three containers and says, "These are for your salads." Are you kidding? I am in a super rush and she wants me to assemble three large salads. "Please," I beg, "don't you have any ready-made salads?" They do but I still have to fill my own salad dressing containers.

I load up the pizzas and salads and headed back to the office. In the parking lot, I grabbed the bag with the salads and dressings. As I pulled it from the car, the bottom of the bag split open and everything crashed to the ground. One salad's lid flew off and the salad erupted like a green volcano. The dressings rolled under the car, under the car seat, all over the place. I just stared at the mess in disbelief for a second. It was then I realized they had accidentally given me an extra salad. Thank you Lord! I scooped up all the undamaged food and rushed inside. Lunch was served just thirty minutes late. There was even leftover salad.

Finally, on Friday, I went to get my blood drawn for all the pre-surgery tests. Afterwards, as I was reaching to hold the gauze on my arm, I smacked the phlebotomist's arm and flung the vials of blood across the room. Lucky for all of us they use plastic vials now. Next was the urine sample. At least I didn't drop that one!

I need a three day nap.  ☺ 

To Hurt or Not to Hurt???

Is it weird to worry when you don't hurt? It seems lately that pain is the order of the day, and when I don't hurt, I think something must be wrong. It is much easier to face the impending surgery if you feel, and I literally mean feel, the need. Not that I want the pain, but I start thinking, "Maybe I don't need this surgery, what if they cut into me and find out they didn't need to." It's funny how I can forget how bad I felt when I feel good and how impossible feeling good seems when I hurt.

For the last couple of days, I have been fighting a cold. I have evening sickness; I feel OK in the morning and gradually get a headache, sore throat, and earache. But, during this time, my belly has not hurt. Maybe I was too busy bellyaching about not wanting a cold to feel the literal bellyache. Be careful what you wish for, the old familiar stabbing pain started up just before I began typing this. That's OK, like I said, it just confirms surgery is the right way to go to clear these problems up.

So, I'm into the final countdown...nine days to go. I had my chest x-ray on Monday and do my lab work on Friday. Next Monday I pre-register at the hospital and have my final pre-op consult with surgeon #2. My poor husband is so concerned for me. He freaked out a little just at my getting a chest x-ray. "Why are you getting an x-ray? What else is wrong? Why didn't you tell me?" I had to reassure him it was just normal pre-op tests, no new problems to worry about. I hope he survives my surgery. Maybe I can get the doctor to prescribe some sedatives for him so he doesn't drive me crazy as we get down to the last couple of days.

$10 Whoopsies

It seems $10 is not my amount lately.

I was thinking how bored I would be in a hospital room for 5-7 days, on a liquid diet no less. I don't have a laptop computer, I don't have a smart phone, TV gets pretty old pretty fast, and you can only read for so long before your eyes get tired. But, if I could find an adapter so I could recharge my MP3 player (it is USB chargeable), then I could listen to music, books, the Bible, etc. So I looked around and found a nice adapter/charger for $25. It even has a cable to charge and I-phone so my son-in-law can stop panicking when he comes over and forgets his charger. You'd think a dead phone was his own death sentence the way he reacts sometimes. (Yes honey, I know you need it for work.) Shortly thereafter, I found a charger with twice as many ports for $10 less. I decided not to bother running around to return the first and buy the second. $10 whoops #1

I bought some new pants. They have wide, soft waistbands that don't bind when I bend. They look nice enough to wear to work. And they are soft enough to be comfortable to lounge around in. I spent a lot of time finding three pairs in different colors in the right size. A size smaller than my usual, which felt even better. When I put my brown pair on, I didn't think about how they fit; I was running late and had to get out the door. I soon realized they were a bit too unbinding; they were falling down. I had accidentally put back the size I wanted and purchased the too big pair. $10 whoops #2.

While at the store with the second charger, I picked up a jump stick from the clearance table for...$10. I needed a cheap one to use to transfer files to church. I do PowerPoint song slides for the service and someone misplaced the one I had been using. I took it home, worked up the slides, added some sermon notes for my husband (yup, he's the preacher), tested it, and went to church the next morning. I powered up the church computer, plugged in the jump drive, and got a message..."please insert disc" I ran around trying three other computers (during the running around I discovered whoops #2, my pants kept sliding down), only to get the same error message. The drive had failed somehow, completely. $10 whoops #3.

After church I got a bonus whoops for free. I had the PowerPoint presentation on another jump drive all along. I forgot I had saved it to the old one before buying the new one and copying over the files. And the missing jump drive I wanted to replace was found.

So, I'm keeping the too big pants to wear after the surgery. I'm keeping the more expensive charger. And my husband returned the jump stick, and kept the $10.

And the Good News is...

The past few days have been getting tougher. My belly started swelling and has been more tender. There have been more frequent pains and they are spreading across my lower abdomen to the right. However...

I have my surgery date; the beginning of the end is in sight. On October 29, at 7:30am I will have two surgeons working on me. They will take out the bad stuff, fix the defective stuff, and check out the questionable stuff. They say it will take about 3 1/2 hours. After talking with them both, I feel I will be in good hands. One even offered to snip off the big mole I have on my belly button. Sure, why not? I'll be asleep and numb anyway. While he is at it, he can trim out the excess belly fat too. Might as well get all I can out of this experience, or get rid of all I can...whatever.

I get the added bonus of taking 4-6 weeks off work during the busiest time of the year. Lucky, lucky me! Sorry Tammy, you get to do my job and yours (pray she survives). She was hired just in time to get cross-trained and cover for me, poor gal.

My CA125 ovarian cancer blood test came back as normal. That is one less thing to think about.

My surgery is scheduled on the last day of my deductible period for my insurance. That will reduce my out-of-pocket considerably. I have a 30% copay for hospitalization; and I could be in for as much as seven days. If I was scheduled in November, I could be on the hook for $3,500. Ouch!

I got to buy new pants too. I needed some soft waisted slacks to wear to work for the next couple of weeks to ease the pressure on my tender tummy. Regular pants, even loose ones, press too much against my waist. While shopping, I found a bunch of gluten free food at really good prices. Unexpected bargains are always cause for a happy dance.

Best news of all...the surgeon is not going to make me drink the nasty prep solution prior to surgery. He said they have found solid poop is easier to deal with than what is left in the bowels after the cleanse process. Guess that makes sense. Solids are easier to control than liquids. Either way, I am so, so glad I don't have to drink that icky stuff.

So, it's all good. I even got a refund check in the mail today for a dental bill I overpaid in 2007. It's funny, but I just see it all as good news. If it weren't for these medical issues, everything would be great! If I could just work out a time to go see the new grandbaby before the surgery, everything would be perfect!

A Kick in the Rear End

For the record, Chili's makes the best Loaded Baked Potato Soup ever. I am still reveling in the pleasure of the bowl I just had for dinner. Now on to my real topic.

If you read the "My Story, thru 2004" page, then you know a lot about what I have gone through and my philosophy on handling problems. This is the missing bit between that and my first blog entry.

In the spring of 2008, I was sitting on my couch doing nothing when I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my rear end, just like I had been kicked by someone with pointy toed shoes. A few seconds later, I felt the same pain in the other cheek. Over the next few minutes, the pain spread down my legs, one muscle at a time, until it reached my ankles. I was half laughing as I described the pain to my husband, it seemed like such a weird way to hurt. But when it hit my ankles, they spasmed, turned inward, and the laughing stopped. I could not even stand up. Then the pain started in my shoulders and traveled down my arms.

Over the next few months, I continued to have muscle pains for no apparent reason. It was like I had spent hours working out without any of the benefits. I began to notice an increased sensitivity to temperature, smells, and sound. I could not wake up in the morning and could barely drag myself out of bed. I had trouble concentrating and remembering. I got tired after just a tiny bit of exertion. Some visits to the doctor confirmed I had fibromyalgia.

I tried prescription meds for the pain and to sleep. I just felt worse. I found using earplugs when the sound sensitivity kicked in (or my husband snored really loudly) helped me get to sleep, as well as melatonin or herbal tea before bed. Supplements like Omega 3, Vitamin D, and 5HTP helped get the other symptoms under control. I eliminated some things from my diet like caffeine and artificial sweeteners and added some gentle exercise. It seems to be working pretty well for me. I still have symptoms, but they don't seem as severe as I have heard others with this condition describe it.

Sometimes when these things happen, I get a feeling of "You've got to be kidding me, something else is wrong with me?" It is like someone gave me a gift membership in the Disease of the Month Club. Thanks a lot, but now I want to know how to cancel my membership. I am not bitter. Some people think I should be, some are bitter for me. "Why you Kathy? It's not fair!" Hey, that's life. Things happen that we can't control. All we can do is take it one day at a time and choose how we will respond to the challenges that come. Whining doesn't make you feel any better and it just irritates the people around you. It's great to have someone say, "I had no idea you were sick. You are glowing and look so happy." Someone said that to me just this afternoon. That's so much better than broadcasting misery and despair. I don't want to be around people like that so why should I stick myself with me acting that way?

Nope, this little gem is gonna keep on shining.

Oh So Busy

We had originally planned to take a long weekend off. Steve is a pastor and works weekends, so we never have one to ourselves. We planned to go to a Tony Bennett concert that I had won free tickets to. That performance was cancelled and the phone call from my doctor about the mass in my gut kind of squelched things a bit. I spent the evening calling my family and letting them know what was going on instead.

We had planned to go to Universal Studios on Saturday...we went to the Getty Center instead. It was hot outside and freezing inside, especially in the painting exhibits. The central garden was in full bloom and was beautiful. That evening my daughter and her kids came over and we spent some time with them.

Sunday, we decided to visit a church in Oak View. My daughter opted to stay in Ventura where it was cooler. A few miles into the drive, we got a call...her car was at the mall (she had to pick up a present for a birthday party that afternoon) and the key would not turn. We couldn't leave her and the three kids stranded, so we turned around. She had a blister from trying the key so often. Steve and I both tried too. I was giving up and taking the key out of the ignition when it started up. Another change of plans; we all went to church in Ventura. After church, the car failed to start again. Call AAA to the rescue...quick run next door to Chipotle...picnic on the church lawn...wait for the locksmith...car fixed...home to take a nap...kids off to the party. Still feeling the need for some "us" time. We took ourselves to a seaside park, set up chairs, pulled out the books, and enjoyed the ocean breeze.

It was harder to get my focus at work Monday than I thought it would be. I had several calls to the doctor to make to arrange for a referral to a gynecologist to consult about the mass. Then I got a phone call from my son, "Mom, are you at work? Do you want to be? Want to come see your new granddaughter?" His wife had just delivered at 4:40 that morning. A healthy baby girl, Keira Rose at 6lb 8oz and 18in long. Now I was rushing to finish up as much work as possible so I could take a half day off and drive to Long Beach. I am blessed to work in a place that is also a ministry. My department holds a prayer meeting every Monday morning. I shared my happy news and my medical trials with them and it felt so good to be surrounded by my work family as they prayed for me.

On the way to the hospital, I got a call from my doctor to clarify my test results and start to get a referral for the next doctor I had to see. We made it to Long Beach and spent two hours visiting our 5th grandchild. The most perfect, lovely little girl ever. With a stop for dinner, it took four hours to get home. I was exhausted, but at least I got to focus on Keira and not myself for a few hours. It's amazing how much your heart can expand to hold another person. I am so blessed with my family.

I think I was running on pure adrenaline Tuesday. There was so much work to do and I now had two more doctor's appointments to go to. I had the wrap taken off my thumb; one stitch to remove next week. I got a same day appointment to the gynecologist. (The doctor's opinion of cancer or no cancer stands at two for no and one for yes, I like the way the vote is heading) Then I had to go for more blood work.

Today was the colonoscopy. I don't understand why medical science can't create a better tasting prep solution. I spent last night and this morning gagging the stuff down thinking, "there has to be a better way." Today's procedure brings me to 14 medical visits this month. Next Tuesday's visit with the surgeon will determine the next course of action. Whether they decide I need surgery for the diverticulitis or not, I will still have to be opened up to remove and biopsy the mass.

The sermon on Sunday had a couple of points that resonated with me. First, the pastor said we all made a series of decisions that had brought us there that morning. I felt all the decisions had been made for me and I was being carried along in a direction not of my own choosing. But, because God is the one who is in control, that is not a bad thing. The other thing that struck me was an illustration about the uncertainty of death. As a believer, the only thing I need to know is; whatever door God leads me through, whether trials, health, or death; He is waiting for me on the other side of that door to help me through it and care for me.

"Could be worse...could be raining."

Sometimes it feels like my life is that scene from Young Frankenstein. You're just getting through a mess and looking on the bright side, then it starts raining. All you can do at that point is laugh.

My doctor called with the results of my ultra-sound. I have a complex cystic mass of over 10 centimeters; that's about 4 inches. It appears to be attached to my right ovary. He said it is made up of several masses and he is "concerned" about it. I will call my GP Monday morning and set up an appointment with an OB GYN or Gynecologic Oncologist. I'll still have the colonoscopy next Wednesday and a consult with the surgeon the following Tuesday. They're hoping to have the surgery to remove the mass and do the fix for the diverticulitis at the same time. No sense cutting me open twice if they are going to be in the same area. I'll just have a few more specialists in the operating room.

The mass has not given me any symptoms. If it had not been for the diverticulitis and the CT scan in the emergency room, I'd not have known the mass was even there. It could still turn out to be benign, but I'm prepared for whatever may come. I can't help feeling God allowed the diverticulitis so this mass could be found. I don't ask why the mass. I'm just as susceptible to problems as the next person. Bad things happen to good people, and average people like me. I can't control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond. To borrow again from the movie, I choose to respond "with quiet dignity and grace." More so than Frederick I hope.  (Don't get it? Watch the movie, the laughs will do you good)

Sticking Out Like a Sore Thumb

If it is appropriate to call any surgical experience pleasant, I guess that is what you could call yesterday's surgery. The staff at the Surgi-Center were very nice and took great care of me. I went into pre-op at 7am and by 7:25 I was on my way to surgery #3. I had received some sedative just before they started wheeling me down the hallway. I was starting to wonder if it really was the sedative. I felt very alert and not at all like I was drugged. In the surgery, I wondered if I would have to slide myself onto the table. I was about to ask the technician walking toward the foot of the gurney...then I woke up in recovery. Everything went smoothly and I was home before 9am. Twelve hours after surgery, I still could not feel my thumb. I managed to sleep well, with a pillow wrapped around my arm to keep my hand elevated. 

Things went well at work today. Typing was limited, not from pain, but from the need to keep my hand elevated to avoid pain. This worked until early afternoon when the last trace of any pain reliever left the tip of my thumb. It was like someone unleashed the little monster that kept stabbing my thumb with pins. Most distressing was the realization that, even though I'm right-handed, I use my cell phone left-handed. I seem to dial everything backwards if I use my right hand. Now I feel incapacitated. Tomorrow morning's challenge will be washing my hair without getting my thumb wet or bumped. I'm more concerned about bumping.



No word yet on my ultra-sound results. I know the doctor has them; he just hasn't had time to read through them yet. So, tomorrow we find out about the alien in my belly. Oh, and I forgot about my thumb follow-up next Tuesday, so I'm up to an even dozen medical visits this month.

On a side note - Tuesday, my co-worker in the next cubicle called out to me, "Kathy, did you leave your beer bottle outside my window?" I was very puzzled by her question so I came around the corner to see what she meant. Looking out her window, I saw an empty bottle on the ground. I started laughing, "Oh, that's what you said. I heard, 'Did you lean your bare bottom outside my window?'" 

No News is NOT Good News...Its Just Irritating

I had my ultrasound today to see where the diverticula are and to find out what was lurking in the space formerly occupied by my uterus. I drink water all day long every day, so drinking 32oz. two hours before the test was a breeze. HOWEVER, I usually have it go out as fast as it goes in. I arrived for my test 15 minutes early. I was very happy to see only one person in the waiting room. That meant I would probably get looked at and on to the potty quickly. HOWEVER, I was informed I was in the wrong office and had to go around the corner. So I move on. Next office has a very full waiting room. But they do lots of kinds of tests so odds were I'd still get in on time. HOWEVER, my doctor had not sent my order over and they could not do my test without it. Thirty minutes later I felt like water would soon be coming out my ears. The receptionist told me, "You can go release a little bit, just go for a quick 10 count and stop." It is almost impossible to stop once those flood gates open, but I did. I went from feeling like I would explode to just extremely uncomfortable.

One hour after I arrived, I finally got called back for my test. The screen was placed exactly outside of my field of vision. I could tell what direction the technician was going to scan next by the way she twisted her lips. Giggling while someone is pressing a probe on your very full bladder is not a good idea. She would neither confirm nor deny the existence of a mysterious occupant of my former uterus site. But she did take an awful lot of frames. Now I get to wait 2-3 days for my doctor to get the results and call me. Another lesson in patience.

I did get a call to schedule the colonoscopy for next Wednesday. And I have a presurgical consult the Tuesday after. I am now up to 11 medical appointments this month. There were five in July and August combined. Hopefully I can keep my October number down to a reasonable level.

Tonight I will take a long shower and go to bed early so I can be at the surgical center at 6:30am. It is tough enough for me to wake up in time to get to work by 8am. I'll have to set the volume on my alarm really loud to be sure I get out of bed. Better shut the bedroom window tonight so I don't wake the neighbors.

As is the way of all things you are about to see the doctor for, the abscess on my thumb that has been so much trouble over the past year is the smallest and least painful it has ever been. I will not be thrilled if I go through this surgery and the doctor tells me the thing healed itself in the few days before. I doubt they will say, " No abscess, no payment needed."

The Ambulance Revelation

At the beginning of this year, I woke up with chest pains, dizziness, and a vague "something's wrong" feeling. I took some baby aspirin and my husband took me to the doctor's office and she saw me right away.  It's amazing how easy it is to see a doctor that is normally booked months in advance when you mention chest pains. She checked me out and did an EKG. A few minutes later she came back into the room gave me some nitro glycerin and said, "I've called you an ambulance to take you to the ER. There was an abnormality on your EKG." I immediately protested that I didn't really feel that bad. But, into the ambulance I went with my husband following behind.

The EMT asked if I still felt pressure in my chest. "Yes, but I think it's just from nerves." More nitro and he started to insert an IV. Suddenly, my entire body was in pain. I could not see and I felt myself slipping away. I began to think these people were right and I was dying from a heart attack. I prayed, " Oh God, help Steve. He is going to be so hurt by this. Take care of him and my parents and kids. And please don't let it hurt too much as I die."

I didn't die, in case you were wondering. I started feeling better in a few minutes and felt pretty good by the time we reached the ER. They ran all the tests and could find nothing wrong with my heart. It turned out the pain and other symptoms were due to another medical condition I had been diagnosed with about 18 months earlier. More about that one next time.

I learned something about myself in that ambulance. Like many Christians, I had occasional doubts about my own faith. I wondered sometimes if I really believed or if I just sort of believed. When I tried to think about eternity, I would feel panicky. I just could not wrap my finite mind around the infinite plan of God. As I felt myself slipping away, I had no fear of death, no doubt about my place in eternity. I was completely at peace about what I thought was my imminent death. I was just worried about the pain this would cause my husband and family. I learned that, when it really mattered, my faith was sure. It is just my feeble humanity that casts doubt on my confidence in God. He was just polishing me a bit so I could shine brighter for Him.

Beginning in the middle

I am little over halfway through the most medically populated month of my life. By that I mean variety and frequency of medical appointments. So far it is one dental visit (I have fantastic teeth and gums, according to the dental hygienist), one visit to the GP, two to the gastroenterologist, one EKG, two mammograms (not one on each side, two visits), one blood test, and two visits to the orthopedic surgeon. Next week is an ultrasound and thumb surgery. I am medically exhausted.

Why all the visits?
The GP visit and mammogram #1 were routine annual checks. Mammogram #2 was because they found micro-calcifications in both breasts. Follow-up in six months to see if they grow. At least there is an 80% chance they are not cancer.

Ortho, EKG, blood test and pending surgery are to remove a teeny abscess in my left thumb. Amazing how something the size of a pin head can cause so much trouble.

Everything else...two months ago I went to the ER with violent lower ab pain, nausea, and a migraine. Diagnosis-acute diverticulitis. They did a CT scan and sent me home with pain meds and antibiotics with instructions to stay home from work for a week and go on a liquid diet. That led to the follow-ups with the gastro. During the last follow-up he mentioned the CT scan showed a slightly enlarged uterus. Which is really odd because I had a hysterectomy 11 years ago. Hence, the ultrasound next week. Plus, I will need a consult with the surgeon and colonoscopy, since my pain has not cleared up and the diagnosis is now chronic diverticulitis. Surgery is recommended to remove the damaged part of my colon. Recurring infections are dangerous for all the usual reasons, plus I have a titanium hip from an accident several years ago and any infection that spreads to the bloodstream can lodge there and require two more surgeries to clean up.

I decided to chronicle my journey with all the medical, emotional, personal, and spiritual facets exposed. This is not the first set of challenges I have faced (more about them later) and they probably won't be the last. I needed an outlet. Maybe no one will read this, maybe someone will. Maybe someone will be encouraged by my journey. I hope so. I hurt, I get tired, but I know God has His hand on my life and He won't cast this flawed gem into the fire, except to refine me further.