The Night Before the Morning Of...

Tomorrow at 7:30am I'll be going into surgery. For the last few days, I have been exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

It started Monday, which was a bit depressing. My pre-surgical consult with surgeon #2 consisted of all the concerns he had about complications. We also decided to go ahead and remove both ovaries, since one had the mass and the other had a history of cysts. I'm hoping I already went through a symptom free menopause. Not really keen about the idea of hot flashes while trying to recover. I also found out laparoscopic surgery was not an option, due to the size of the mass. Not really a surprise, but I had hoped to avoid being split open. So now my recovery time is estimated to be six to eight weeks instead of four to six. And, I may have to stay in the hospital as long as eight days. Can we all say BORING?! I'm not a daytime TV fan and I'm not good at doing nothing.

Today I felt pretty good. Not really tired and less nervous about tomorrow than earlier in the week. I think the fact that I went to the Chiropractor Tuesday and had a one-hour full body massage today followed by a long hot shower may have something to do with it. I figured, if I was going to be laid up for a while, I might as well get feeling as loose and relaxed as possible beforehand. So I am all popped, rubbed, and scrubbed; ready for a good night's sleep so I can wake up early so someone else can put me back to sleep.

Of course, I am not looking forward to surgery, who would? I am not looking forward to the pain of recovery, of course not. I don't want surgical complications or a lab report telling me the mass is cancerous. I am fully aware of the seriousness of what I am about to go through and the possible negative outcomes. I choose to hope and pray everything will turn out fine. But I truly believe I am ready to accept a less than perfect outcome. I trust God will take care of me, whatever way He chooses to do so. Because God is in control, I don't have anything to worry about. I am in His hands, and that is a very good place to be.

Blouses and Pizza and Blood..Oh My!

It took until about ten days prior to surgery for my brain to kick out on me. Last week I sort of lost my focus. I wasn't outwardly stressed and I didn't think I was inwardly stressed, but the evidence speaks for itself.

On Wednesday, about a third of the way through the day, I felt something weird at my side. Upon closer inspection I realized I was wearing my top inside out. Luckily I had a sweater on over it and the part that showed was not obviously backwards. I figured, why bother this late in the day and left it inside out.

Thursday at noon, my boss came to my desk and asked if lunch was on its way. I froze like a deer in headlights. I had known for several days that I had to order lunch for all the directors, I had planned it all out. But, I had gotten so focused on training Tammy to cover for me that I completely lost track of the time. My stomach was in my feet, my heart was in my mouth, all the air left the room. I had not even placed the order. I stammered an apology and asked him to stall while I took care of it.

I looked up the pizza place online and called. Half-way through ordering I was told I was ordering from the wrong menu and had called the wrong number. How could I have the wrong menu or number if I am looking at it on my computer?!?!? I confirmed their address and somehow completed the order. They said it would be ready in 12 minutes and I rushed over there in 10. As I got to the corner, it was one of those "you can't get there from here" situations. So I circled the block and negotiated a U-turn to get to the restaurant. There was a line out the door...I wove my way through to the pick-up counter and was told there was no order under my name in the computer. "There has to be, please check the phone number." She finds it with someone else's name. I didn't care what name they called me, as long as I got my order. Then she hands me three containers and says, "These are for your salads." Are you kidding? I am in a super rush and she wants me to assemble three large salads. "Please," I beg, "don't you have any ready-made salads?" They do but I still have to fill my own salad dressing containers.

I load up the pizzas and salads and headed back to the office. In the parking lot, I grabbed the bag with the salads and dressings. As I pulled it from the car, the bottom of the bag split open and everything crashed to the ground. One salad's lid flew off and the salad erupted like a green volcano. The dressings rolled under the car, under the car seat, all over the place. I just stared at the mess in disbelief for a second. It was then I realized they had accidentally given me an extra salad. Thank you Lord! I scooped up all the undamaged food and rushed inside. Lunch was served just thirty minutes late. There was even leftover salad.

Finally, on Friday, I went to get my blood drawn for all the pre-surgery tests. Afterwards, as I was reaching to hold the gauze on my arm, I smacked the phlebotomist's arm and flung the vials of blood across the room. Lucky for all of us they use plastic vials now. Next was the urine sample. At least I didn't drop that one!

I need a three day nap.  ☺ 

To Hurt or Not to Hurt???

Is it weird to worry when you don't hurt? It seems lately that pain is the order of the day, and when I don't hurt, I think something must be wrong. It is much easier to face the impending surgery if you feel, and I literally mean feel, the need. Not that I want the pain, but I start thinking, "Maybe I don't need this surgery, what if they cut into me and find out they didn't need to." It's funny how I can forget how bad I felt when I feel good and how impossible feeling good seems when I hurt.

For the last couple of days, I have been fighting a cold. I have evening sickness; I feel OK in the morning and gradually get a headache, sore throat, and earache. But, during this time, my belly has not hurt. Maybe I was too busy bellyaching about not wanting a cold to feel the literal bellyache. Be careful what you wish for, the old familiar stabbing pain started up just before I began typing this. That's OK, like I said, it just confirms surgery is the right way to go to clear these problems up.

So, I'm into the final countdown...nine days to go. I had my chest x-ray on Monday and do my lab work on Friday. Next Monday I pre-register at the hospital and have my final pre-op consult with surgeon #2. My poor husband is so concerned for me. He freaked out a little just at my getting a chest x-ray. "Why are you getting an x-ray? What else is wrong? Why didn't you tell me?" I had to reassure him it was just normal pre-op tests, no new problems to worry about. I hope he survives my surgery. Maybe I can get the doctor to prescribe some sedatives for him so he doesn't drive me crazy as we get down to the last couple of days.

$10 Whoopsies

It seems $10 is not my amount lately.

I was thinking how bored I would be in a hospital room for 5-7 days, on a liquid diet no less. I don't have a laptop computer, I don't have a smart phone, TV gets pretty old pretty fast, and you can only read for so long before your eyes get tired. But, if I could find an adapter so I could recharge my MP3 player (it is USB chargeable), then I could listen to music, books, the Bible, etc. So I looked around and found a nice adapter/charger for $25. It even has a cable to charge and I-phone so my son-in-law can stop panicking when he comes over and forgets his charger. You'd think a dead phone was his own death sentence the way he reacts sometimes. (Yes honey, I know you need it for work.) Shortly thereafter, I found a charger with twice as many ports for $10 less. I decided not to bother running around to return the first and buy the second. $10 whoops #1

I bought some new pants. They have wide, soft waistbands that don't bind when I bend. They look nice enough to wear to work. And they are soft enough to be comfortable to lounge around in. I spent a lot of time finding three pairs in different colors in the right size. A size smaller than my usual, which felt even better. When I put my brown pair on, I didn't think about how they fit; I was running late and had to get out the door. I soon realized they were a bit too unbinding; they were falling down. I had accidentally put back the size I wanted and purchased the too big pair. $10 whoops #2.

While at the store with the second charger, I picked up a jump stick from the clearance table for...$10. I needed a cheap one to use to transfer files to church. I do PowerPoint song slides for the service and someone misplaced the one I had been using. I took it home, worked up the slides, added some sermon notes for my husband (yup, he's the preacher), tested it, and went to church the next morning. I powered up the church computer, plugged in the jump drive, and got a message..."please insert disc" I ran around trying three other computers (during the running around I discovered whoops #2, my pants kept sliding down), only to get the same error message. The drive had failed somehow, completely. $10 whoops #3.

After church I got a bonus whoops for free. I had the PowerPoint presentation on another jump drive all along. I forgot I had saved it to the old one before buying the new one and copying over the files. And the missing jump drive I wanted to replace was found.

So, I'm keeping the too big pants to wear after the surgery. I'm keeping the more expensive charger. And my husband returned the jump stick, and kept the $10.

And the Good News is...

The past few days have been getting tougher. My belly started swelling and has been more tender. There have been more frequent pains and they are spreading across my lower abdomen to the right. However...

I have my surgery date; the beginning of the end is in sight. On October 29, at 7:30am I will have two surgeons working on me. They will take out the bad stuff, fix the defective stuff, and check out the questionable stuff. They say it will take about 3 1/2 hours. After talking with them both, I feel I will be in good hands. One even offered to snip off the big mole I have on my belly button. Sure, why not? I'll be asleep and numb anyway. While he is at it, he can trim out the excess belly fat too. Might as well get all I can out of this experience, or get rid of all I can...whatever.

I get the added bonus of taking 4-6 weeks off work during the busiest time of the year. Lucky, lucky me! Sorry Tammy, you get to do my job and yours (pray she survives). She was hired just in time to get cross-trained and cover for me, poor gal.

My CA125 ovarian cancer blood test came back as normal. That is one less thing to think about.

My surgery is scheduled on the last day of my deductible period for my insurance. That will reduce my out-of-pocket considerably. I have a 30% copay for hospitalization; and I could be in for as much as seven days. If I was scheduled in November, I could be on the hook for $3,500. Ouch!

I got to buy new pants too. I needed some soft waisted slacks to wear to work for the next couple of weeks to ease the pressure on my tender tummy. Regular pants, even loose ones, press too much against my waist. While shopping, I found a bunch of gluten free food at really good prices. Unexpected bargains are always cause for a happy dance.

Best news of all...the surgeon is not going to make me drink the nasty prep solution prior to surgery. He said they have found solid poop is easier to deal with than what is left in the bowels after the cleanse process. Guess that makes sense. Solids are easier to control than liquids. Either way, I am so, so glad I don't have to drink that icky stuff.

So, it's all good. I even got a refund check in the mail today for a dental bill I overpaid in 2007. It's funny, but I just see it all as good news. If it weren't for these medical issues, everything would be great! If I could just work out a time to go see the new grandbaby before the surgery, everything would be perfect!

A Kick in the Rear End

For the record, Chili's makes the best Loaded Baked Potato Soup ever. I am still reveling in the pleasure of the bowl I just had for dinner. Now on to my real topic.

If you read the "My Story, thru 2004" page, then you know a lot about what I have gone through and my philosophy on handling problems. This is the missing bit between that and my first blog entry.

In the spring of 2008, I was sitting on my couch doing nothing when I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my rear end, just like I had been kicked by someone with pointy toed shoes. A few seconds later, I felt the same pain in the other cheek. Over the next few minutes, the pain spread down my legs, one muscle at a time, until it reached my ankles. I was half laughing as I described the pain to my husband, it seemed like such a weird way to hurt. But when it hit my ankles, they spasmed, turned inward, and the laughing stopped. I could not even stand up. Then the pain started in my shoulders and traveled down my arms.

Over the next few months, I continued to have muscle pains for no apparent reason. It was like I had spent hours working out without any of the benefits. I began to notice an increased sensitivity to temperature, smells, and sound. I could not wake up in the morning and could barely drag myself out of bed. I had trouble concentrating and remembering. I got tired after just a tiny bit of exertion. Some visits to the doctor confirmed I had fibromyalgia.

I tried prescription meds for the pain and to sleep. I just felt worse. I found using earplugs when the sound sensitivity kicked in (or my husband snored really loudly) helped me get to sleep, as well as melatonin or herbal tea before bed. Supplements like Omega 3, Vitamin D, and 5HTP helped get the other symptoms under control. I eliminated some things from my diet like caffeine and artificial sweeteners and added some gentle exercise. It seems to be working pretty well for me. I still have symptoms, but they don't seem as severe as I have heard others with this condition describe it.

Sometimes when these things happen, I get a feeling of "You've got to be kidding me, something else is wrong with me?" It is like someone gave me a gift membership in the Disease of the Month Club. Thanks a lot, but now I want to know how to cancel my membership. I am not bitter. Some people think I should be, some are bitter for me. "Why you Kathy? It's not fair!" Hey, that's life. Things happen that we can't control. All we can do is take it one day at a time and choose how we will respond to the challenges that come. Whining doesn't make you feel any better and it just irritates the people around you. It's great to have someone say, "I had no idea you were sick. You are glowing and look so happy." Someone said that to me just this afternoon. That's so much better than broadcasting misery and despair. I don't want to be around people like that so why should I stick myself with me acting that way?

Nope, this little gem is gonna keep on shining.