Fine Tuning the Focus

I'm starting a new journey. And this one is not dictated by medical issues or circumstances. I feel God is moving me to a new place. It's hard to describe, but I feel a strong pull to allow myself to be taken to the next level. It's a very undefined thing inside of me; yet a definite feeling of a new beginning, a new focus. I'd been thinking about re-focusing my life...on several levels. But just a little while ago, it was almost like God said, "You're done thinking about it, now we are going to do it together... and more," then He flipped some ON switch in me. I'm not even sure exactly what "it" is, but there is a drive in me that is so strong and positive. I'm not sure what form the spiritual part of this journey will take, but I feel excited to see where it will take me.

It's funny, I'm quite clear on the physical things I want to focus on. I tend to be the "all or nothing" type. Perhaps that's an area that needs to be refocused. I do have a list of things that started my thinking about re-focusing, in no particular order:

• Simplify and remove - I have too much stuff. It hasn't been a goal to accumulate things, I'm just a pack rat and the frugal side of me hates getting rid of anything that I might use "someday." I need to do some major tossing of stuff.
• Enjoy the good stuff - I have so many things I have saved for special occasions that I have never used. Things like nice candles, fancy dishes, the good "silver." Living each day is a special occasion enough to enjoy the things we save for later.
• Prioritize play time - I've been spending too much of my free time just watching TV. A bad habit I developed when I didn't feel good enough to do anything else. There are crafts to make, books to read, places to hike. 
• Get out of the jungle - My back yard is embarrassingly neglected. I can't let my grandkids play out there for fear of losing them in the weeds.
• Make Kathy a priority - I need to take care of me. Not in a selfish way. I just don't make the time to give myself the attention I need to be the best I can physically. 

I've started with the end of the list; make Kathy a priority. My exercising, taking vitamins, eating balanced, and everything I need to do to keep me at my best had stopped for a while. I got so busy taking care of things and other people's needs that I stopped taking care of me. That stopped today. I am back on my own radar and back on track.

Reflecting God's Grace

When I first started this blog, I thought I might be chronicling my battle with cancer. I had a rather large ovarian mass, with one doctor telling me it was probably cancer, and I had an abnormal mammogram. Thankfully, the mass was removed and pronounced benign and the follow-up mammogram did not show any indication of growth. They will continue to monitor the spots, but for now, the cancer scare is gone.

Another reason I started this blog was to keep my family and friends up-to-date on my many medical tests and results without constantly repeating myself through phone calls and emails. While I love and appreciate my family and friends, sometime I just didn't want to talk about my medical issues anymore. This was a way to "say" it once and get it over with.

The last reason for this blog was to encourage. I titled it "A Flawed Gem" because that is how I see myself in God's eyes. It's like the diamond in my wedding ring. Somewhere along, it got a small chip in it. Several years ago, my husband offered to have the flawed diamond replaced with a new one. I refused. That was the gem he originally chose; it is precious to me. Our marriage has not been perfect, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am not perfect, but God still holds me precious. My blog name "katofgrace" is no reflection on my spiritual "superiority." Rather it is a statement of God's grace in me. Without Him, I am just a fearful, angry child. In Him, I am a reflection of His faithfulness and grace.

So, reasons one and two are no longer needed. That leaves me with encouragement... not a bad place to be. I hope my story is an encouragement to someone who is struggling with physical or emotional battles. God is so faithful to provide the strength needed to get through any trial. I don't know what lies ahead, but I know who is directing my path. I know each day is a gift, even when it doesn't seem that way. I know that even the "bad" things that come into my life can turn out to be some of the greatest blessings in the end.

So, I'll keep on shining. Sometimes my flaws may show more than I like and it seems like they are all that can be seen. Sometimes God's grace covers my flaws and I feel I can shine to those around me. But mostly, He allows my flaws to show and His grace reflects even brighter from the chips than on the polished facets.

Watch Me Sparkle!

Sometimes you don't appreciate something until you lose it.

Sometimes you don't realize you were missing something until you get it.

And sometimes losing something, then getting back more than what you lost makes you want to reach out, take chances, do more, maximize your life in ways you never could before.

Last week, I walked about two miles in one stretch. It doesn't sound like much, but I couldn't walk two blocks before without needing a break. I did two puppet skits on two nights in a row. I have not been able to do that for three years. My arms could not take being held in the air for even a minute at a time. I've been getting up an hour or so early to work out before going to work. I used to have to drag myself out of bed. This weekend I played and played and played with my grandkids without wearing out. Four months ago, I could not even hold them in my lap because it hurt so bad. I did pull a muscle, but instead of giving in to the pain, I stretched and worked the pull out and was better the next morning.

 

I feel like I am just starting my life. At 51 years old, I feel younger, stronger, healthier, and more focused than I can ever remember. I want to make the most of the health, energy, and spunk that have been gifted to me. I choose to say, "Yes," to things I wouldn't even consider before. If I am going to be tired, it will be because I have filled my life with so much that I have earned it. If I am going to be sore, it will be from using my muscles to accomplish worthwhile tasks. If I am going to wear out, it will be from doing good, not from erosion as I sit and watch life go by. This not-quite-so-flawed gem is ready to sparkle and shine!

Simple Things

I've been so caught up in enjoying life, that I have not taken the time to write about it. Of course, an emergency trip to Prescott to be with my parents when we thought my dad was dying (he didn't and is doing fine now) and Thanksgiving, Christmas, and going back to work full time may have had something to do with keeping me busy too.

These past two months I have been spending a lot of time enjoying the simple, everyday things most people take for granted. First, I was enjoying waking up in the morning actually feeling rested and alert. Not having my muscles ache for no reason. Not having stomach pains every day. Then I started noticing all the energy I had. I feel like the Energizer Bunny with fresh batteries. I've been doing an hour or so of housework in the evenings after work. I used to be so wiped out that all I could do was crash in front of the TV.

I started the New Year with a nasty head cold. Major congestion, alternating total blockage and runny nose. Yet, I even rejoiced in that because I still felt good overall. A bad cold like this (it's not quite gone yet) would have really knocked me out three months ago. This morning I worked out for the first time in a long time. We got a Kinect for our XBox and I started the Your Shape fitness program. Not real crazy about the fact it scanned my body and shows my actual shape on the screen. Afterwards, I still had energy so I finished taking down the Christmas decorations and getting them ready to box up. After that, I plan to clean out my kitchen cupboard.

At work, I have had several people comment on how different I seemed. I am now described as "perky" quite often. My boss says he has his "Can do Kathy" back. One dear lady cried as she told me how happy she was to see me bounce around the office, unhindered by pain. Another person said I was radiant and glowed like an angel. My husband said I was getting more beautiful each day.

I had not realized how much the pain had distorted my appearance. It is amazing how pain can change your face. I thought I had been handling it well and keeping it under wraps. I knew I was slowed down physically and mentally. I knew I was tired and achy. But, no matter how well you manage chronic pain, it still will have an effect on you that you don't even realize is there.

It has been almost three months since I have had any fibromyalgia symptoms. My chronic stomach pain from the diverticulitis is gone. The pains from the adhesions caused by the abdominal mass are gone. I am so grateful to God for relieving me of these. I am grateful to my surgeons for their skilled hands. I am grateful to my co-workers, boss, friends, family, and especially my husband for their support and patience while I was suffering. I am grateful for life and its simple joys.