Christmas Joy

“This is not the Christmas I had planned. This is not the Christmas I wanted.”

A lot of people might be saying this today as families gather and presents are opened. But sometimes the joys we’ve seen in the past stay in the past and longings we have for today aren’t fulfilled. Families are separated, loved ones have passed away, and sometimes the joy is hard to find. Illness, loss, tragedy…all can obscure our vision and dim the bright lights of Christmas. Sadness and loneliness seem to be the theme of the day rather than joy and merriment.

As I spend this Christmas away from my children, away from my grandchildren, away from all my extended family, there is a temptation to look back at past gatherings and be sad. There’s the temptation to allow the cancer that has come into my life and upended all my plans to steal my joy.

Thankfully there’s one Joy they cannot be quenched, there is one Light that cannot be dimmed. Jesus came as the light of the world. He came to bring us a joy that the world cannot take away. No amount of loss, illness, tragedy, separation, or longing unfulfilled can dim His light or quench His joy. These are the gifts of Christmas that do not fade, do not lose their value, and cannot be taken away. These are the gifts I cherish today and every day as I learn to grow ever closer to God.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:16

Uncertainties

  It was just a faint line. I could barely see it. But my breast surgeon was telling me it looked like more cancer than we originally thought. The good news was that everything looked like stage one. It was all small, but it was more than one spot.

Yesterday was my appointment with my breast surgeon. I was ready. I had done my research. I knew the possibilities. What I did not know was that there would be a curve ball so early in the game. 

I looked with her at the mammogram image on the computer screen. I could barely see the line she was pointing out. She showed me a small spot on the ultrasound at the end of that line that moved up and left from the original biopsy spot. There was definitely something there that did not look like the rest of the image. "Okay," I said, "What do we do now?"

We discussed my family history and my own history for a bit. We decided that I needed an additional biopsy of the spot at the end of that line. I would also need an MRI of both breasts, plus an oncotype test and genetic test. All of these will determine what kind of surgery and additional treatment I would need going forward. But if the second biopsy comes out positive, a lumpectomy will definitely be off the table.

This morning I got the call to schedule the tests. The oncotype and genetic tests are in progress already and the other testing will be completed December 30. The nurse that scheduled the MRI and biopsy said they only invite the people they like to come back for more tests. I guess I should be mean next time I go in.

I go back to the breast surgeon for results and to schedule surgery on January 11. I am still at peace and ready for whatever God has in store in the next step of this journey, no matter how uncertain things look. His hands are good ones to be in.    

Lost, Lost, Replaced, Found, Found

Tuesday was "one of those days." I was happy because I finally was able to do something to move things forward. I was going to my breast surgeon's office to do all the necessary paperwork and make my first appointment. 

There was a bit of frustration because, when they called me on Monday to tell me to come in, they told me they could not see any of my old mammograms in the system. There was even a note in my file that there were no old films to compare with the ones taken in September. But I had been told in October that they had been received and reviewed. Oh well, I planned to go two buildings over to the breast care center (who confirmed the receipt of the films) after I did my paperwork to see if they could clear it up.

I happily trot up to the counter and greet the receptionist. She asks me for my driver's license and insurance card. Well, I don't have the card yet as I was just approved officially on Monday. She says I will be entered as self-pay and they can change it later. I then reach into my wallet to pull out my license...it is not there! 

I am totally flummoxed! I almost never take out my license for anything. I start to frantically search my brain for a clue... what in the world did I do with it? Then I remember, the last time I took it out was when I applied for the insurance. They took a copy of it and I clearly remember them giving it back to me. But where it went from that point is a total blank! 

Did I put it in my pocket? Did it fall out somewhere? In the car? In the parking lot? Is it still in a pocket somewhere? What did I wear that day? Did I throw it away with the paperwork I took home and no longer needed? Does someone have it and is happily stealing my ID to purchase thousands of dollars' worth of knock off purses? I call Steve and give him several places to search at home with orders to report back soon.

Okay, calm down. I go ahead and fill out all the paperwork and tell the receptionist I will go search my car and be back if I find it. Eight or eighty pages later, I finally head downstairs and start tearing the interior of my car apart. Between the seats, between the back and seat, under the floor mats, moving the seats forward, moving the seats back, even looking in the trunk...nothing. 😕

Steve checks in. He has searched every pocket on every piece of clothing I own. Searched drawers, books, bags, everything he could think of...nothing. 😢

Somewhere in the middle of the car search, I call the office where I filled out the insurance paperwork. "I know you would have told me if I had, but I need to cover all my bases, did I leave my driver's license there?" Nope. But she remembers me putting it into my "clear envelope." HUH? I don't have any clear envelopes. I dismiss her memory of the envelope as probably belonging to another client.

Nothing left to do now but order a replacement license. Bummer. I pull up the website on my phone (I am still in the parking lot) and easily order the replacement. I head two buildings over to check on the old mammogram films that are still missing.

I talk to three very nice ladies in that office. They call the office I just left to clarify what they are missing and where they looked. After about 15 minutes, they tell me they found the films from 2017 in the system. I'll take it. I don't know where 2018 and 2019 went, but at least they have something. Now to head home.

Two-thirds of the way home, the thought of the "clear envelope" comes back into my head. Long mental pause ensues... It then comes to me that I had put all my important papers, birth certificate, marriage license, social security, etc., into a clear page protector for easy, safe transport. And, I had taken it with me for the insurance paperwork. Did I drop my driver's license into that "clear envelope?"

I'm mentally kicking myself the rest of the way home, "dumb, dumb, numb brain." Once home, I go to our small safe and there on top of everything is that page protector with my driver's license on top. UGH, "dumb, dumb, numb brain."

Of course, I can't cancel the order for a replacement that was submitted just an hour ago. Fine, keep my $12 and send me the new one. At least the office has the films they need and I have a driver's license. And, I do have an appointment on December 15 to see the breast surgeon. Everything is in place and all is moving forward. 

Now if I can just keep my brain functioning so I can get through the four pages of questions I have for the breast surgeon. 😉

Let the Games Begin

I just spent over an hour on the phone with my case worker. She was really struggling to verify my self-employment income. I finally was able to get my “boss” that I was doing contract work for to send her an email and confirm my payments. Then, Woo Hoo! my application for insurance coverage was approved and the referral to see a breast surgeon is going in. Thank you, Lord, for bringing me through this hurdle.

Never have I been so happy at the prospect of having someone cut up part of me that I (and my husband) am quite fond of, bombard me with toxic rays, and fill me with chemicals that will make me feel lousy. Later I will lament the path before me, but for now I am psyched up!

Maybe this delay was another part of God’s plan. I have been quite sick with a bad head and chest cold since my application was submitted. Even if it had been approved, I probably would have had to wait to see a doctor. 

So troops are assembling, calvary is saddling up, everyone lock and load… it’s getting ready for war time! Cancer, you are toast!