My Story, thru 2004

What would you say if I asked you what were your two most life-changing, important days? Most of you would probably say the day you became a Christian and the day you got married. Would you be shocked if I said those would not be the days I picked? Oh, those days were life-changing and important, but I was saved when I was five and not much seems to change at that young an age. And my marriage seemed that it just fit into the stream of my life so naturally that it didn’t seem that big a change either.

I am going to tell you my life’s story. Not so you can know me better, but to show you God’s hand. That even when you can’t see it or even feel it, His hand is still there. I was born to loving Christian parents. They were not supposed to be able to have children, but God intervened and gave them three. Both my parents were heavily involved in my life and I felt I lacked for nothing, even when times were hard. My sisters and I were raised in the church, had good friends, lots of loving family members nearby, and went to good schools. On the surface I had the perfect life.

When I was eight, the first of my two days occurred. I was in second grade, had a teacher I loved, and a best friend who lived next door. One morning I woke up and found out that for me, only one night had passed, but for the rest of the world, a whole year had gone by. I wasn’t in a coma or anything like that, I had functioned for an entire year and woke up with no recollection of it at all. I was terrified of anyone finding out. I thought I was crazy, and would be locked away if I told anyone. My parents had always told me how beautiful, intelligent and special I was. But this only added to my fear, because I was supposed to be this "perfect" kid. What was happening to me did not fit into the ideal life I supposedly had. Over the next ten years I continued to have "black outs." Usually just a short amount of time like an hour or two and not more than a couple days. But, frequent enough that I had to learn to fill in the blanks quickly so that no one would know. One "black out" was even helpful. In high school, I went to my trigonometry class and found we had a test. I sat at my desk and when I glanced at the clock class was over and my test was done. A little freaky, but I didn’t have to sweat taking the test.

During this time, I began to develop extreme feelings of fear and anger. I was in a constant state of confusion about these feelings, which seemed to have no source. I prayed many times saying. " Lord, I know that I am a Christian and a new creature, what is this ugly thing inside me that I can hardly control?" I also began having horrible recurring nightmares. They were about being pursued by a dark man and contained explicit sexual detail that I could not, as a sheltered eight-year-old, consciously know.

As I got into my teens, the pressure of hiding all this and the constant strain of controlling my fear and anger began to reach a breaking point. I remember wishing that someone would break into the house and attack me or my sisters so I would have an excuse to kill someone with my bare hands. I developed an eating disorder, binging on anything I could get my hands on, even things most people would not consider edible. I tried to be bulimic, but could not get the throwing up down. So I purged through other ways. I began to practice self-mutilation, being careful to always have an explanation for the marks or to hide them. And I would do things to cause myself physical pain without making marks I would have to hide. At sixteen, my dog which I had since I was two and my granddad both died. I was ashamed of myself for crying harder for my dog than my granddad. What sort of horrible person was I to mourn a dog more than a person? I began to plan my suicide. I didn’t follow through with it because I could not come up with a perfect way. Everything was too messy or had too much chance of failure.

When I got married in 1978, things improved a bit. Black outs were almost gone, but the fear and anger were still there. When I had children, I was constantly fighting to control my anger and not lash out at them. I was terrified I would turn into an abusive parent. I avoided people as much as possible. Social situations could send me into a panic. I was still in constant fear that someone would see what I was really like inside. Three months after we were married, I injured my back. I spent two years going from one doctor to another, one telling me I was crippled for life and another telling me I could join the Olympic gymnastics team tomorrow. In August of 1980 our daughter was born. In early 1981 I found I was pregnant again. I didn’t feel I was ready or even capable of caring for another child. I was angry, scared and not at all happy about being pregnant. A week later, I miscarried. I felt that my baby had felt my anger and died because I had not wanted it. I thought I had killed my baby and was just as bad as someone who had gone to a back-alley abortionist. My doctor saw my depression and sent me to a psychologist for counseling. I then discovered first-hand the futility of secular psychology. In 1983, shortly after my son was born, I began having sharp intermittent pains in my lower left abdomen. The only possible cause the doctor could find was cysts in my left ovary that came and went. Over the years the frequency and intensity of the pains increased.

About 1984, I had a conversation with my parents that cleared up some of the mystery. I told them about the nightmares and a little about the other feelings I had, still not wanting to reveal the whole. I learned that the father of my best-friend, neighbor had been suspected of molesting some of the kids in the neighborhood. And at the same time that teacher that I had loved so much had died. They told me that during the "missing year" that they had noticed me withdrawing from everyone. I was not doing my school work and seemed to have no interest in anything. They had taken me to counselors to try to help me but nothing seemed to work. I of course had no memory of my friend, her father, my teacher or going to a counselor. The information about my friend’s father did explain my nightmares. I had probably been one of his victims. After learning about him my nightmares eventually stopped.

So, the blackouts and nightmares were gone. Then why did the fear and anger remain? In 1992 it got so bad that sometimes Steve would come home and find me in a fetal position in a corner, just shaking. I was under a lot of stress and was in a lot of emotional pain due to some actions by people I should have been able to trust. But my emotions were so twisted, I was unable to even cry. I withdrew even further. My fear of people and personal vulnerability increased to where I had to force myself to even go to church, and frequently found excuses not to go.

In May of 1995 I got sick. I had terrible stomach pains, every intestinal problem known to man, migraines, blurred vision, loss of motor control and this lasted for eight months. During this entire time, I was going to the doctor and enduring test after test with no results. Finally I was sent to a specialist who took some blood test for some rare conditions that he was sure would come up negative.

In January of 1996 the second of my two days occurred. The following are from a journal I kept at the time:

Friday 1/5/96, 36 yrs old -Confirmation of Celiac Disease. What a relief to know what is wrong with me! (I had no idea what this diagnosis would mean to my life)

Saturday 1/6-Checked several medical journals; this thing is scary and complicated. It could be fatal if I don't follow a radically strict diet. Spent the whole day reading and researching everything I could find. Bought three cookbooks, an informative book and vitamins (gluten-free). Bad day physically, but I have a great attitude. Checked the kitchen cupboard and found 3 things I can eat, bland city. I can't even eat dog biscuits.

Sunday 1/7-Another bad day for the tummy, but my spirit is a mile high. It's weird! Went shopping with Steve. He is being so supportive. He mourns the loss of my eating choices more than I do. I found some interesting choices, blue corn flakes! Jim L. stopped by with a box of brown rice flour, how sweet. The service manager at Vons offered to request gluten-free bread from the bakery driver, hold it in his office for me, and call me whenever it comes in. I can still eat my favorite ice cream, Haagen Daas Vanilla Swiss Almond!

A few weeks later I was at a lunch for Pastors and their wives. I was walking through the restaurant and noticed several people looking at me and smiling or saying, "Hi." It took a few minutes for it to sink in that I was initiating that reaction. I was looking people in the face and smiling. My normal routine was to duck my head and avoid eye contact at any cost. Then I realized I felt GOOD. I was not angry or afraid. I actually felt happy and peaceful. Later, in my research I found out that Celiac disease can actually create a chemical imbalance in the brain that caused depression, fear, anger, etc. This combined with the reaction to childhood sexual abuse had been almost a fatal combination for me. But now I nearly wept with joy. I felt I was finally the person God had intended me to be all along. My personality did a total flip-flop. I was now comfortable with people, though I had no experience dealing with them. I was content and friendly where I used to be frightened and withdrawn. I could accept my shortcomings and not beat myself over every little failure. My self-confidence grew. I didn’t think I could feel any better.

Now the only thing wrong with me seemed to be those pains in my lower abdomen from time to time. Since they only happened once every few months, I didn’t worry too much. But, in 1998 the pains were every few weeks. Then toward the end of the year they seemed almost constant. In December, I had an attack of pain so severe I felt like I was in hard labor. I was ready to ask Steve to take me to the emergency room when I passed out. This started another marathon session with doctors trying to pin down the cause of the pain. The cysts and fibroid tumors they found could not cause the kind of pain I had. Finally one doctor listened to yet another description of my symptoms and said there might be a cause that was rather rare and the only cure was to remove my uterus. The surgery was scheduled for June and when they did the lab work, they found I had adenomyosis, a rare condition that tried to convert uterine muscle into uterine lining. A very painful process. I felt so good after the surgery. I even found that some pain that I had been having in my lower body had disappeared. My recovery was phenomenal. I was playing mini-golf just ten days later, and won.

Well, October 2000 gave me another trial. I had a back injury which made me begin limping more and more on my left side. I went to chiropractors and got some relief until March 1, 2001 when I was hit with such severe pain in my leg that I literally could not walk at all. Round and round I went with more doctors, x-rays, MRIs, physical therapy, and the lot. A neurologist thinks I injured the nerve and it never healed properly due to all the misdiagnoses.

In June of 2002, I had another accident which severely injured my left hip. Eight months later, I was told my hip had actually been broken and needed replacement. Surgery was scheduled for June 2003. While waiting for the surgery date to come, my husband accepted a call to a new church ministry. We began our work in Carpinteria in March 2003. In April, after a routine physical, we received news that Steve had cancer. Tests looked like it had spread to the bones. For a few weeks we dealt with the real possibility that he had only a year to live. Further tests put that fear to rest and he was scheduled for surgery in June. Insurance squabbles cancelled my surgery at the last minute. Otherwise, we would have had our surgeries in the same week, which turned out to be a good thing since I was able to be Steve’s nurse. I finally got my surgery in January 2004, nineteen months after my hip was broken.

Too many people are bogged down in the idea that they have to be perpetual victims or "survivors" of whatever tragedies have come into their lives. Not only do we have emotional baggage heavy enough to sink a battleship, but even when we do "empty our suitcases" we hang on to them looking for something else to fill them with. THROW THE BAGS AWAY! My approach is not a twelve step or even ten step program. It is represented by just three "GO"s. Get Out, Get Over and Get On.

Get out of the circumstance that is damaging you. If a lion is eating your foot, don’t whine about it, do whatever it takes to get out of his mouth.
Get over it. Stop wallowing in self-pity and martyrdom. The past is past, you may have lost a few toes or even a foot but you are still alive.
And, get on with your life. Learn from whatever you have been through and make something positive out of it.

How could I do these things and not let my past destroy me? Because I knew something very important. Even in the midst of all the anger, fear, pain, depression, confusion, self-hate, lying and hiding I KNEW that God was real and that I was His. Even when I questioned Him, I KNEW that He was with me and had not and would not forsake me. No matter how hard times were and how much I tried to test God and ignore Him, the reality of His love and knowledge that nothing could take me from Him was there.

We have the assurance of God’s care...
BY FAITH
Ephesians 3:11,12 according to the eternal purpose which He accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord, in whom we have boldness and access with confidence through faith in Him.

2 Timothy 1:12 For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day.

Hebrews 10:22 let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water.

IN HOPE
Hebrews 6:9-11 But, beloved, we are confident of better things concerning you, yes, things that accompany salvation, though we speak in this manner. For God is not unjust to forget your work and labor of love which you have shown toward His name, in that you have ministered to the saints, and do minister And we desire that each one of you show the same diligence to the full assurance of hope until the end,

Hebrews 6:18,19 that by two immutable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we might have strong consolation, who have fled for refuge to lay hold of the hope set before us. This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil,

CONFIRMED BY LOVE
1 John 3:14 We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love his brother abides in death.

1 John 3:18, 19 My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in
deed and in truth. And by this we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before Him.

THROUGH RIGHTEOUSNESS
Isaiah 32:17 The work of righteousness will be peace, And the effect of righteousness, quietness and assurance forever.

IN UNDERSTANDING THE GOSPEL
Colossians 2:2 that their hearts may be encouraged, being knit together in love, and attaining to all riches of the full assurance of understanding, to the knowledge of the mystery of God, both of the Father and of Christ,

THROUGH REDEMPTION
Job 19:25 For I know that my Redeemer lives, And He shall stand at last on the earth;

THROUGH THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Romans 8:38-39 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

BY CONTINUANCE IN GRACE
Philippians 1:6 being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;
　
IN ANSWER TO PRAYER
1 John 3:22 And whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight.

THROUGH PRESERVATION
Psalms 3:5,6 I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the LORD sustained me. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around.

WITH CONFIDENCE THAT HOPE IN GOD RESTORES
Psalms 42:11 Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God.

THROUGH COMFORT IN AFFLICTION
Psalms 73:26 My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

2 Corinthians 4:7-11 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed--always carrying about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. For we who live are always delivered to death for Jesus' sake, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.

2 Cor 4:16-18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.