Gilbert & Sullivan Thoughts

"My eyes are fully open to my awful situation."

This first line from a song in the Pirates of Penzance was running through my head as I was (trying to) patiently wait for my insurance to be approved.

I am still looking at this process as one I will face with God's strength and peace. It can sometimes sound like I don't see how hard or bad this could be. But I do.

My body has become a battleground. It has been infiltrated by a sneaky enemy that I was not even aware of. He (cancer is too ugly to be a she) has been quietly setting up a foothold in my breast. (That brings up a weird mental picture?!) The battle is not in full swing yet. I am waiting for some of my troops (the insurance) to sign up and for my generals (the doctors) to line up for action. 

Contrary to popular terminology, I do not see myself as a warrior in this fight. I am the battleground. Weapons (surgery, radiation, therapies...) will be launched upon me. The enemy will use biological warfare to try to gain more ground. The battlefield will be torn up and scarred. Once the battle is over, there may be more skirmishes, more battles. Cancer is an enemy you can't turn your back on. It is relentless and constantly seeks ways to infiltrate the battleground again. 

In time, the battleground will heal. Scars and pits from the warfare will fade. Beauty will flourish in its fields and on its hills. Life will come forth and bloom. 

I am moving forward in the trust that I will come through this. But even if my generals lose their battles...cancer will not have won. My final day is not in cancer's control. God has my time in His hands and nothing will take me from this life outside of His timing. 

So yes, my situation is awful. But I have an awesome God that is greater than my situation, my fears, my doubts, my sorrow. He is greater than cancer. He is my strength, my peace, my courage, my joy. 

 

Don't Fear the Elephant!

It is my 63rd birthday. It is also ten days since I received my breast cancer diagnosis. It does not seem possible that it has only been ten days. It seems so much has happened, yet so little has happened. I did receive some "good" news last week. I found out the cancer is not aggressive; I am estrogen receptor positive and HER2 receptor negative. This could indicate no chemo in my future and I will be on hormone therapy after surgery and probably radiation. I am still waiting to get the approval for my insurance and a referral to the breast surgeon.

What I have noticed is I seem to have two kinds of people in my life. Those who ask me what I have learned and how I am doing; and those who seem a little nervous about approaching me, say a quick "Hi," and then hurry off.

I just want to say to everyone, "Don't be afraid of the elephant in the room." As you can see, I am dressing my elephant up and not hiding her. I am happy to talk to you about how I am doing, what new news I have, or anything else. I am a bit like that elephant; I have thick skin. Don't be afraid to talk to me, don't be afraid you will upset me.  

God has blessed me with His calming peace. I am not afraid of whatever is to come. Embrace my elephant and let me share God's faithfulness with you!

The First Wave

The last couple of days have been odd. I have found myself having small panic attacks over everyday tasks. The first was on Sunday as I was heading up to practice with the worship team. It was just a shaky, fearful feeling with no specific target. The second was on Monday as I was pulling into the parking lot at the Women's Wellness Center to complete paperwork to try to get coverage for my treatment. I suddenly had a very specific feeling that I was unable to navigate the parking space and I would hit the cars on either side of me. 

During each incident, another part of my brain was saying, "This is ridiculous. You have been singing for almost 50 years. You have parked without an accident since you got your driver's permit." I guess this is referred anxiety. I have not had a single moment of feeling that way about having cancer. Even the nervousness I had before the biopsy was nothing in comparison. 

However, Monday night I had a sudden surge of sadness and the distinct thought, "God, I don't want to do this." The reality of the possible/probable pain and suffering in the pending treatment just swooped in and washed over me like a wave. I choked up and one tear fell from each eye. Then the wave moved on and I felt it recede in the distance. 

I know there will be days where waves of fear, anxiety, doubt, anger, or sorrow will wash over me. Sometimes they will be little ones that just tug at my ankles. Sometimes they will hit hard and sting. Sometimes they will threaten to knock me down, and some will. And occasionally one will drag me under until I feel I will never come up.  

I know the waves will come; but even more, I know they will go. I know the Master of the seas is the Master of my life. He will care for me through each wave. He will lift me up when I can't swim to the surface on my own. By His grace ...I will always come back up!

The "C" Word

I can't believe it has been 11.5 years since I wrote in this blog. It started to chronicle a medical journey that was too complex and tiring to keep updating people individually. But, now one of the issues discovered back then has blossomed into a new issue.

Back in 2010 I had suspicious mammograms on both breasts. They were both full of microcalcifications. Until January 2020, nothing changed and they were no problem. At that time, I moved to Arizona and lost my health insurance. I did not get mammograms in early 2021 or 22, though I should have. In early August of this year, I had severe pain in my left breast for several days. I found out there was a county sponsored women's wellness program that would cover a mammogram, so I decided to go in. Of course, by the time I got in at the end of the month, there was no more pain. 

But something caught the doctor's eye. There was an ultrasound and second mammogram which revealed new findings that were "highly suspect." I had a biopsy on Tuesday and today got the call that I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. It looks like it is early, but I don't have all the details yet. I will do paperwork on Monday to see if the same program will cover treatment and schedule an appointment with the surgeon to discuss options. 

I never thought I would have cancer in my life. I don't really have any direct family history. Other than being overweight, I don't have any of the standard risk factors. I have had many health challenges, but nothing that pointed to cancer. But here it is, in my left breast. 

I feel God gave me the pain to get me to the doctor in order to find this in time to get early treatment. I am at peace with the diagnosis, but concerned about the upcoming treatment and possible side effects. However, God has always seen me through every trial and trauma in my life. He is faithful. He has proven Himself faithful and loving. I am safe in His hands no matter what may come.