The First Wave

The last couple of days have been odd. I have found myself having small panic attacks over everyday tasks. The first was on Sunday as I was heading up to practice with the worship team. It was just a shaky, fearful feeling with no specific target. The second was on Monday as I was pulling into the parking lot at the Women's Wellness Center to complete paperwork to try to get coverage for my treatment. I suddenly had a very specific feeling that I was unable to navigate the parking space and I would hit the cars on either side of me. 

During each incident, another part of my brain was saying, "This is ridiculous. You have been singing for almost 50 years. You have parked without an accident since you got your driver's permit." I guess this is referred anxiety. I have not had a single moment of feeling that way about having cancer. Even the nervousness I had before the biopsy was nothing in comparison. 

However, Monday night I had a sudden surge of sadness and the distinct thought, "God, I don't want to do this." The reality of the possible/probable pain and suffering in the pending treatment just swooped in and washed over me like a wave. I choked up and one tear fell from each eye. Then the wave moved on and I felt it recede in the distance. 

I know there will be days where waves of fear, anxiety, doubt, anger, or sorrow will wash over me. Sometimes they will be little ones that just tug at my ankles. Sometimes they will hit hard and sting. Sometimes they will threaten to knock me down, and some will. And occasionally one will drag me under until I feel I will never come up.  

I know the waves will come; but even more, I know they will go. I know the Master of the seas is the Master of my life. He will care for me through each wave. He will lift me up when I can't swim to the surface on my own. By His grace ...I will always come back up!