I did not have to do radiation. I did not have to do chemotherapy. I only had one breast removed. I only had one lymph node removed. I kept my hair. I have not had to pay anything for my treatment.
My breast cancer surgeon says she got all the cancer and there is no sign of it in my lymph nodes. My oncologist says I am doing well on my meds and have a great attitude. My plastic surgeon says everything looks perfect and I am healing really well.
I have received tons of support from family, friends, strangers, and cancer organizations. I have been able to support others facing breast cancer. My husband looks at my scars and still calls me "beautiful."
But there are moments, there are days, when I am not, "doing fine/really good/ great!" And I struggle with feeling guilty for not feeling, "fine/really good/ great!" because everything is so much better than I originally expected. So much better than other women I know or have communicated with that are going through breast cancer. I have even joked that I have, "breast cancer lite."
Yet those moments, those days, come unexpectedly and hit me hard. I look at my breasts and mourn the loss of symmetry, the addition of scars, the one that isn't a "real" breast anymore. I am frustrated that I have osteopenia and the medication I am taking can make it worse. I can't do some of the exercises I have enjoyed and can't move in certain ways that I used to. I am concerned that the infusions I take to help build bones can also cause other problems. I feel the "minor" side effects of my medication stacking up on each other until they feel like a "major" side effect. But to complain about each one individually, feels like whining because they are "minor."
Sometimes I am dizzy, queasy, no appetite, raging appetite, too tired to keep my eyes open, weak, have aching in my back, or aching in my bones, get popped blood vessels in my left eye (yup, just the left one), find too much hair on my comb and brush, seeing the numbers on the scale go up, feeling negative or apathetic. All "minor" side effects of my medication.
Then there is the ever present, but not at the top level of my thinking, possibility that cancer will come back in spite of everything being, "fine/really good/ great!"
Yes, there are those times. And, most of the time, I really am doing, "fine/really good/ great!" But that does not mean I don't struggle with the reality of my breast cancer. It does not mean there are not times I just want to hide in a corner and ignore the rest of the world. It does not mean everything is perfect.
What it does mean is that I am still grateful for my life and all God has placed in it. I am still grateful for things that seem ugly or wrong at the time that God uses to make beautiful and good things for me. I still trust when I don't understand why things happen the way they do or if/when I will understand. It means I have confidence in the God who loves me and gives me the strength to be content in whatever circumstances I am in.
Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:11-13
